50 Suggested Funnies for Speeches
1) From [Groom’s] football team
Dear [Bride],
We have tried [Groom] in every position but it didn’t work out so we had to pull him off.
Hope you have better luck…
PS Hope all your tries are not converted!
2) They married on the cricket pitch, That night they were so wicket
the bride said with a blissful twitch,’I’m sure this isn’t cricket!’
3) If you want to stop the stork from delivering a little bundle, shoot it in the air…
4) The wedding night is like an aircraft taking off – Both hands on the joystick and flaps open…
5) A honeymoon couple is like an old TV set – four wobbly legs and a worn out knob!!!
6) A honeymoon couple is like a kitchen table – Four bare legs and no draws.
7) Marriage is like a beautiful tree – it starts off with a good root.
8) Bachelors know more about women than men who’ve just got married – If they didn’t they’d be married too.
36) Her hair is red like an apple, Today you stood at the chapel, Tonight your house will rattle!
37) [Bride], Don’t put [Groom] in the dog house, or he may bury his bone next door!
38) [Husband], If you’re a man, you will do it tonight, If you’re a mouse you’ll do it tomorrow, But if you’re a rat, you already did it last night!
39) Today there is one [Brides’ family name] less,
And one [Groom’s family name] more,
And if [Groom] does his job tonight,
There will be [Groom’s family name]’s galore!
40) [Bride], When you were a baby, your mother put you to bed with a dummy…
Tonight, she’s doing it again!
41) Life’s good, future’s bright, After tonight
Your bedsprings might Be a little light…
So come to me for a quote. – Captain Snooze
42) She’ll offer her honour, He’ll honour her offer,
And all night long he’ll be on ‘er, off ‘er, on ‘er, off ‘er…
43) To: [Groom]
From: […] Greyhound Racing Club
Here’s hoping your dog doesn’t draw the Red Box tonight!
44) Today’s the day, Tonight’s the night,
We killed the stork So you’ll be right!
45) Congratulations!
From Bob Farken, Gail Farken,
And the whole Farken family!
46) Dear [Bride],
I was going to send you a budgie as a wedding present, but then I heard you already had a cock-or-two…
47) [Bride] was having trouble choosing her bridesmaids and asked me for advice.
I told her get all of her friends together and pick the ones who most desperately needed a new dress.
48) [Groom], The wedding night can be like a game of snooker, so if the pink is covered by the red go for the brown.
49) [Bride], Hold [Groom] like a flower…Grab him by the stalk!
50) And finally, here’s a cunning one I wrote myself:
Use this one to play a prank on the reader of the telegrams – where the best man or the grooms men will be reading the telegrams, the bridesmaids may want to keep this one in reserve, in case the wedding toasts to the bridesmaids are not up to scratch!
The key to the prank is that the meaning of the ‘poem’ is hidden from the reader. So when someone reads this aloud:
Dear [Bride] and [Groom],
In honour of the occasion I have penned this poem for you.
The reader may not appreciate the meaning here,
but I know you will:
Can track all,
The lass time we
Roll this mash,
Door dawn or views.
Pike more whine,
Dare my but still –
Roar from lass,
Timed eye just say.
Their doubt loud?
What sin thee struck.
Zen he way,
Some buddy’s top.
Me please thin,
Guy’s head in huff.
Full dare gain,
And unto well!
Their audience hears this:
Dear [Bride] and [Groom],
In honour of the occasion I have penned this poem for you.
The reader may not appreciate the meaning here,
but I know you will:
Can’t recall the last time we were all this smashed – or’d one of you spike my wine?
Damn, my butt’s still raw from last time.
Did I just say that out loud?
What’s in these drugs anyway!?
Somebody stop me please!
Think I said enough.
Fooled again and done too well!